Monday, September 9, 2013

New School Year Challenge: Best Teacher Notes EVER

New school year, new teacher. One among this year's lot has requested a note from parents, "in a million words or fewer," to tell her about our little darlings.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. (Someone should warn her. About the notes I write. And that I will likely blog about it because I laugh the loudest at myself. Usually because I am alone and no one is here to laugh at/with me. The cat does spend a lot of time staring nervously in my direction, however ...)

This was the opening act for the note sent to the 4th grade teacher this day. Because I'm nothing if not diligent about doing my homework (with a few modifications to make it appropriate for this viewing audience).

Dear New Lovely Teacher:

Thank you for taking on the job of educating the next generation. My youngest child is delightful in many ways, but these quick facts may help you better understand your position in his life.
  • KG’s hands are registered lethal weapons in the following provinces and states: British Columbia, Oregon, California, Arkansas, Maine, Nova Scotia, Yukon, and Newfoundland and Labrador.
  • KG’s curls are registered and insured by Lloyd’s of London for an undisclosed multimillion-dollar policy.

  • KG was the first child in Canada to be conceived in a lab with a compilation of plutonium and Unobtainium (from the planet Pandora).

  • KG’s number-one hit single, Alex the Seal, ranked #3 on the New Zealand billboard charts on his 7th birthday.

  • KG invented the Internet.

  • When KG was born, he was humming Rachmaninov’s 3rd Symphony, Opus 30, in D Minor. The doctor was dumbfounded.

  • KG speaks fluent Shakespeare and is a shareholder of the (new) Globe Theatre in London.

  • KG was an uncredited writer on the Academy Award-winning film Argo, alongside Ben Affleck and Grant Heslov (producer). They would meet up for writing sessions at Jerry’s Deli in Studio City, California, after playdates. KG never ate the pickles.

Poor teacher. She didn't know she signed up for this when she signed up for my kid.
*     *     *
So, you're shaking your head right now, wondering if I am really this obnoxious all the time. (Pretty much.) And you're wondering if maybe you should Google the school's address so you can send flowers to this new teacher because she's going to be stuck with me all year. HEY. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. I'm just trying to inject some levity into the "Please excuse Johnny for his tardiness this morning." Really, Johnny's mom? That's the best you could do? Sorry, but you suck at being awesome.

So here is my challenge to YOU: When you write notes to your kid's/kids' teacher(s),  


Make 'em giggle. Make 'em smile. They are not in education because of the cool cash. We all know that.

Here are a few samples to get you going (these are examples from last year's crop):

For tardiness:

Please forgive ___________’s tardy today. I, the mom, overslept both of my alarms because I have issues with mornings, and today, the morning won. My humblest apologies. Please don’t send my beautiful child to the dungeon with the dragons and spiders. Reserve such punishment for me. (Omigod, I hate spiders. Maybe no spiders?)

For absence: 

Dear Teacher: Please forgive ___________'s absence yesterday. We were chasing unicorns to collect tears for our time machine, and we lost track of the moon. Then we stopped at Subway and met a Leprechaun, and he just had to tell us about his pot of gold and the politics going on within his little world. And then the sandwich artist gave us peppers on our sandwiches! What a strange, sad little sandwich artist.

For a P.E. excuse:

Please excuse __________________ from P.E. today. He’s been out sick X days this week, and if he runs around and gets all crazy during physical education class, he will start to cough and that could lead to more disgusting things (vomit). Perhaps send him to the library or if the school has a meditation room, send him there. (Meditation is good for us. That’s what my therapist says.)

For any generic reason you need to apologize to the teacher:

Please excuse ____________'s really big screw-up. [INSERT PROBLEM YOU SEEK FORGIVENESS FOR HERE.] You see, it's a long story. First, my darling child was born 11 days late, and things progressed from there in terms of chronic tardiness. When we sat down to do this assignment, we really did think that Wikipedia was a reliable news source. Who knew that Tesla was not the name of the International Space Station but rather a famous rodeo clown? Seriously! If it's any consolation, we do have a cousin who is a NASA astronaut and he totally piloted the Space Shuttle in 2010 (Google him--his name is James "Mash" Dutton*). Given this information, it is obvious that Super Amazing Genius runs in the family, and if we could therefore have a few more days to finish this assignment properly, we can prove to you that _____________ is capable of greatness.

(*This is completely true. Astronaut Dutton is my cousin. I haven't seen him since before puberty, but still ... cousins.)

I am not even bullshitting you. Hey, Cuz ... Is it wrong to admit here that when I was three, I was totally in love with this lad and his brother? I was. Which is creepy. Because we're related. But I was three. And clearly I had excellent taste. Even if it was warped and weird because we were cousins. By blood.

The gauntlet has been thrown down. What can you do to brighten your child's teacher's day and/or torment the hell out of them and make them wish you would move out of county? Remember, BE NICE. No one likes an ass****. POST your teacher notes in the COMMENTS section below. There might be prizes involved. Off the record, of course.

Xs and Os ... and HAPPY NEW SCHOOL YEAR!

Stereotypical apple. For school.

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