Eliza Gordon Strikes Again: NEUROTICA Is LIVE!

My alter ego has been busy while the other personality -- the real me -- rewrites Sleight. Yes. It is The Book That Never Ends. Wish me luck on this latest adventure.

SOOOOO, even though it's not August 21, and that's when I said NEUROTICA would be available for purchase, I got tired of waiting and decided that we needed some giggles this week. As such ...

NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE:

Summary

If you find yourself talking to Jayne Dandy, keep the conversation on Star Wars and rubber ducks—best not to mention men, dating, or S-E-X. Because Jayne is fine with the way things are: writer of obituaries and garage sale ads by day, secret scribe of adventures in distant galaxies by night. But her crippling fear of intimacy has made her the butt of jokes since forever, and hiding behind her laptop isn’t going to get her lightsaber lit.

After her therapist recommends that she write erotica as a form of exposure therapy, Jayne joins forces with pen and paper to combat the demons that won’t let her kiss and tell. Unexpectedly downsized at work, she adopts a pseudonym and secretly self-publishes one of her naughty books to make ends meet. When her adorable, long-time friend Luke, co-owner of the popular Portland food truck Luke Piewalker’s, hears she’s been demoted, he insists on hiring her to sling éclairs and turnovers at his side. Her secret must be kept, but sparks ignite between them, sending Jayne and her X-Wing into a tailspin that will either make her face down her neuroses or trigger a meltdown of Death Star proportions.

AMAZON ~ B&N NOOK ~ KOBO

If you're interested in a signed paperback, drop me an email or find me on Facebook. It's awfully cute in paperback, I must say.

Now go out and take pictures of your best Star Wars cosplay, your favorite eclairs, or the cutest ducks you can find, and share them with me so we can say, 

"Welcome to the world, Jayne Dandy!"

Early reviews:

~ “My soul is happy. Neurotica was perfect. I enjoyed every single word.” 

~ “You probably can’t see the sections I highlighted in the book but people would think I’m nuts because it’s the scenes where you describe Portland and the areas they are sitting that just grabbed my heart. Honestly, at moments I wanted to cry, because you did my heart’s home such service. Your love of Portland shines in this book and it’s beautiful ... Jayne was just so real, and honest (despite what Luke may have thought a couple times). She felt like someone I would just love to know personally.” 

~ “This book has so much going own that you will not be able to put it down. I love everything about it, from the way it is written, to the storyline and its many twist and turns. This book is different from the author’s first book but I think I love it as much or maybe even more. This is a must read now book. Don’t just put it on your long to be read list because it is that good. The wittiness of the storyline is incredible. I want more of these characters when I finished the book because I didn’t want it to end. Loved every word of this book!” 

~ “Gordon keeps readers on edge, snickering, and in love with all the characters as this humorous story unfolds. A must read. And perhaps my favorite part is that it’s completely clean. While the MC writes erotica, Gordon keeps this NA novel PG, which is exactly where it needs to be to get the point across.”

 ~~~

As a friendly reminder, for those of you with delicate sensibilities:

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Must Love Otters Is Out in the Whole Wild World!

Sooooo, I might have mentioned that while working on the Epic Rewrites of the Century, my personality underwent a little tiny fracture and I may have started working on another project with my husband, and we called this new entity Eliza Gordon.

Wellllll, Eliza's book, Must Love Otters, it drops today. As in, it's live, for you to buy. I'll let Gandalf say it for me:

Sorry. I couldn't help it. AGAIN with the cats. BECAUSE OMIGOD, IT'S NATIONAL CAT DAY. I'm not even making this up. It totally is. And I am SO stoked.

But today is supposed to be about OTTERS. Honestly, if you don't think sea otters are absolutely among the top five MOST ADORABLE sea creatures ever, maybe you're on the wrong page here. Thanks for stopping by, but seriously ... COME OOOON, have you seen a baby sea otter? Did you forget your soul at the bowling alley last night or what?

Without further ado, happy birthday to Eliza's book.

BUY LINKS:

Amazon

Amazon.ca (for Canadian book nuts)

Amazon.co.uk (for those across the pond!)

iBookstore

Kobo

Vook Store

Barnes & Noble Nook

Otters is also supposed to be available for Sony and Samsung devices. Please let me know if you cannot find your preferred e-book and we’ll look into it.

IF YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE CAKE ... Eliza has also listed a recipe (on the new release post on ElizaGordon.com) that she will likely never make because the fire department doesn't like her to cook. She will instead opt for a box cake, for purposes of saving the house and time, but still ... cake is cake. WHO DOESN'T LIKE CAKE?

SUMMARY:

Hollie Porter is the chairwoman of Generation Disillusioned: at twenty-five years old, she’s saddled with a job she hates, a boyfriend who’s all wrong for her, and a vexing inability to say no. She’s already near her breaking point, so when one caller too many kicks the bucket during Hollie’s 911 shift, she cashes in the Sweethearts’ Spa & Stay gift certificate from her dad and heads to Revelation Cove, British Columbia. One caveat: she’s going solo. Any sweethearts will have to be found on site.

Hollie hopes to find her beloved otters in the wilds of the Great White North, but instead she’s providing comic relief for staff and guests alike. Even Concierge Ryan, a former NHL star with bad knees and broken dreams, can’t stop her from stumbling from one (mis)adventure to another. Just when Hollie starts to think that a change of venue doesn’t mean a change in circumstances, the island works its charm and she starts to think she might have found the rejuvenation she so desperately desires. But then an uninvited guest crashes the party, forcing her to step out of the discomfort zone where she dwells and save the day … and maybe even herself in the process.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. We hope you likey.

Now I need some damn coffee ... whose wackity-schmakity idea was it to get up at damn SIX A.M.???

Xs and Os, lovelies ...

GoodReads Giveaway Winners, Mark Strong, and My Kids' Super-Big Mouths

FIRST UP: GoodReads winners -- there were 1874 entries for the Sleight giveaway on GoodReads. Two winners were drawn from the entries, taken care of by the lovely people at GR. Congrats to...

Cindy Monitor

Emma Krutulis

 

Ladies, your signed books will go out next week as it is Canada Day here today, and 4th of July on Monday. I will be mailing out of the US (I cross the border to mail books as the service/cost is so much better!), so be ready! Thank you to everyone who participated. And tell me this, non-winners: If I offer a discount on the e-book of Sleight for a limited time, would you feel compelled to purchase? Are you a physical book sorta human? What about a discount on a paperback, purchased direct through me? Just wonderin'. It seems that with 1872 non-winners, a girl would at least attract a few new readers, but what do I know. And as I am doing a mailing next week, let me know so I can count you in!

Don't despair if you didn't win this time. I have giveaways coming up on a number of other blogs. I have to continue to push this book into the faces of potential readers. Have you shared it with anyone today (or conversely, have you warned anyone to stay away)? Word-of-mouth, people. Let's make it happen.

One other thing: to the awesome, amazing, fantastic humans who have taken the time out of their busy lives to write me emails and post on my Facebook wall -- I promise you it is me who is responding. It is not an assistant. The thought that I would have an assistant makes me giggle a little, but unless you count a 17-, 9-, or 6-year-old, or even one temperamental 12-year-old Brown Lazy Cat on the payroll, it's just me. Promise.

Onto the news you likely don't care to know:

Driving in the car yesterday, en route to accomplishing a variety of annoying tasks (remember, everything is annoying when I am away from my computer. I like being home. I do not like traffic. I especially do not like traffic when everyone is leaving work early so they can get their three-day weekend started sooner. Today, Friday, is Canada Day. Like 4th of July, only not).

Kendon, age 6: "Mommy, if you think Mark Strong is so hot, why don't you ask him on a date?"

Me: (laughing loudly) "I wish."

Husband: "Heyyyyy..."

Then I had to explain why married people can't date other folks, and how Mark Strong is a big, famous, beautiful movie star who would not give me the time of day if I bought him a Rolex and a megaphone. Here he is, just in case you're confused:

He's Lord Blackwood from Sherlock Holmes. He's Godfrey from Robin Hood. He's Frank D'Amico in Kick-Ass. He's Sinestro in The Green Lantern, among a ton of other stellar performances (RocknRolla, Young Victoria with Emily Blunt, Body of Lies with diCaprio and Crowe, assloads of British stuff because he's British, and we all know that British actors are hottttttt). BUT, he is also my villain. Lucian. While writing Sleight, it was Strong's face I envisioned the entire friggin' time. And as Lucian is my favorite character, I tend to be a little...obsessed...with Mark Strong. I can't help it. I'm so ashamed. (Okay, I'm totally not, but it helps if I at least attempt contrition so that Husband doesn't worry that it's Mark Strong I'm fantasizing about...even if I am. Omigod, shut up!!!)

Back on task: After the errands were finished, we treated ourselves to cheeseburgers. We never go out to eat (have I whined about how stupid expensive everything in Canada is? What? Not today? Okay. This is me whining: Canada is stupid expensive), but we decided that as no one wanted to cook (Husband...I never cook...) and no one wanted to do the dishes (Yaunna...lazy arse), and considering I hadn't eaten my daily granola bar and last ate hours prior, my morning peanut-butter-on-wheat-toast, and thus my eyes were sorta buggin' out of my head from starvation, we went for cheeseburgers.

I ran out of beverage and didn't want to bother the waitress for a refill, especially as I likely wouldn't finish it and that would then be wasteful. (I have a guilty conscience, on so many levels.) Instead, I plunked my straw into Brennan's root beer, as we were sitting adjacent, and we slurped together, like sweethearts at a soda fountain. He scrunched his 9-year-old face up in an attempt to be older than he is -- what he called his "movie star face" (the same one he and his dad use when making fun of Robert Pattinson and Ian Somerhalder) -- and said to me, "I'm Mark Strong. And you're beautiful."

Again with the Mark Strong reference. I've damaged my children.

Husband, sitting across the table, says, "Hey, don't you look at my wife that way, you mean MarkStrong, you." Brennan giggled, movie-starred his face once again and said -- yes -- he really said this:

"Well, maybe you should shed a few pounds there, buddy."

OMIGOD. He said that, out loud. Good thing my husband has a killer sense of humor. He howled, although I wouldn't be surprised if it did sting a little to hear something like that from his kid. Even in jest. And Brennan! Shame on you, child! Telling your dad to lose weight. Even if YOU weren't telling him that, even if was MarkStrong telling him that... Husband isn't a fatty. He just doesn't wear the same size pants as he did when we got married. Neither do I, though. 

It was funny. Maybe you had to be there. Out of the mouths of babes.

Next post: Why Feral Cats Are Meant to Stay Feral

Happy Canada Day!

Happy 4th of July!

Xs and Os...

Guest post by author Heather Hildenbrand

Welcome, Heather, to Planet Jenn as the FIRST-EVER GUEST WRITER! Sweet thing even threw in a little something about grammar...girl after my own heart.

On with the show:

On my process, and why I hate conjunctions...

Authors frequently get asked about what music they write to, or what songs inspire a story. Or, more specifically, what music do you use in your writing process?

Here's the thing about me. My process involves a lot of silence. Hours of it, really. Let's back up a minute. You have to understand, both of my kids started school this year. Full day. I drop them off by 8 am and I don't have to leave to get them until 2 pm. And even now, over halfway through the school year, I'm nowhere near taking it for granted. Oh, stop judging. I love my kids more than anything, but I love them MORE when I get a chance to miss them. And when they're here, our house is not quiet. They love to wrestle with each other, even though it always ends in tears, and they love playing their DS while watching a movie in surround sound, while the phone is ringing, and they're bickering with each other. So when I sit down to write, I'm way too busy enjoying the blessed, inspiring silence of my house to want to put any noise (I mean, music) on. 

Don't get me wrong: I love music. My MP3 is currently sitting in its little docking station, on my fireplace mantle, right next to the corner of the couch that I sit on whenever I'm using my laptop; it's plugged in and ready to go. I just rarely even think of turning it on. For those of you who like to beat a dead horse, I'll go ahead and answer the question. "But, what is on your MP3?" It's a funny mix, really. I've got Kings of Leon, The Fray, and Blue October. Then I've got some old school Oasis, Matchbox Twenty (the album with “Push” on it) and possible even some Skee-lo ("I wish I was a little bit taller..."). Then there's some Alicia Keyes, and some Gavin Rossdale, and maybe even some TLC, yeah, the old stuff. Oh, and I can't forget the Newsies soundtrack ("That's my cigar, you'll steal another, hey bummers, we got work to do..."). Favorite movie, ever. I was Christian Bale's original number-one fan, and he's still my secret boyfriend. Satisfied? I told you it was a funny mix.

Okay, so back to the silence. Like I said, the main reason is just to appreciate it. The second reason is this: When I write a story, I get so caught up in it, become such a part of the world that I've created, that I usually end up tuning the music out, anyway. I forget all about the song, the fact that I'm sitting on my couch in my PJs, whether it's raining or sunny out, and I just write. I've actually had to train myself to glance up at the clock at regular intervals to make sure I'm not late picking up the kiddos. Yes, I learned that lesson the hard way.

There is one time throughout my process that I've found music to be immensely helpful, and that is plotting. Mostly because without music, I feel like a delusional lunatic, because when I plot, all I do is sit on the couch with a notebook in my lap and stare off into space whilst tapping a pen against my chin. So, if the hubby were to come home early, it might look kind of creepy, in a vacant-eye sort of way, without the excuse of, "Oh, I'm just listening to music." Also, those are the times that the lyrics actually reach my ears, and help me form ideas. My character, Wes, from Dirty Blood was inspired by "Hey Jude" by the Beatles.

Now that you know all of this about me, and I'm sure that you are a better person for knowing it, you will be able to read any future interviews I do and laugh when they ask me what music helps me write. It'll be our private joke.

Before I go, one last thing. It wouldn't be right to guest post on Jenn's blog without venting about poor grammar. However, where Jenn usually vents about a grammar mistake potentially made by others, I have no choice but to call myself out.

Commas. Specifically, commas before conjunctions. Grrr. Apparently, I suck at them. I've prided myself on being pretty good with the grammar stuff, too, so to find this out now seriously pissed me off about myself. English was my best subject. I loved it. I hated conjugating verbs and such, but I was good at it. I might've lost my touch. Here's the rule:

Commas before Conjunctions in Compound Sentences

The basic rule: When two complete sentences are joined by a conjunction (most often and, but, or or), place a comma before that conjunction.

Here's how I found out I suck at it: when my friend, and fellow Accendo Press author Angeline Kace edited Dirty Blood for me. She sent it back with her suggestions and corrections, and the glaring error that persisted throughout the entire draft was my omission of those damn commas before the conjunctions! Gah!

Well, I've learned my lesson -- the hard way. So I feel compelled to share. Do not let those commas best you! They'll try...or maybe it's just me. 

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Heather's new release, Dirty Blood, is available on as an ebook on Amazon and Smashwords.