Friday, June 18, 2010

Memo for Planet Jenn inhabitants: my personal shopping days

On Planet Jenn, when I decide it is my shopping/errand day, the only other souls who will be allowed on the road are the people who need to be at their respective places of employment to serve ME. Yeah, this is narcissistic, selfish, egocentric, blah blah blah. Whatever. It's my planet.

Dude, seriously? Yesterday--I make the trek out into the Big Bad Current World and there are people. Everywhere. I'm not an agoraphobe (at least I don't think I am), but c'mon, either I'm getting old or the world is getting more stupid. (BTW, the comparative/superlative of "stupid" is correct as either more/most stupid and stupider/stupidest. Personally, I choose more/most stupid. Today. That could change tomorrow.) We, as in me, the Princess, Bueno, and Baby Luci, were on a mission. We have a birthday party to prepare for, and as such, we have stuff like cake, party favors, balloons...all that shit. And I am a kick-ass goody-bag maker, so this is not something to be brushed off by a quick trip to the dollar store.

We ordered the cake--a Wall-E themed cupcake cake (brilliant design, by the way--everyone gets a piece but there are no knives, forks, or plates--just cupcakes!) for Baby Luci's FIRST official birthday party. Poor thing--we call him the Satellite Baby because everyone forgets about him. Every year we promise him a birthday party once we get to California, but it never happens. And no one ever buys him birthday presents, except us. It's pathetic. So, for this year, turning 6 (which actually doesn't happen until July), we're having a bowling blow-out with five of his closest buddies from school. Yay, Luci!

Anyway, I digress. The cake deal was fine. In, order, out, whatever. Despite the drizzling, stupid weather, we fared okay. But then it was on to the mall where we did make a stop at the dollar store to buy gift bags and balloons. And the place is crammed with shit. CRAMMED. Shit and people. People with stupid-big strollers, some with asses the size of all three of my kids standing shoulder to shoulder, teenagers who don't care that you're standing there (SO glad my teenager isn't an insolent ass!), people of cultures who don't understand the concept of DANCE SPACE (please don't stand where I can smell what you had for lunch oozing out of your pores), indecisive housewives who don't know if they want blue or yellow napkins for their Father's Day brunch...seriously??? There are OTHER PEOPLE here!

As the four of us huddled together trying to be as considerate as possible for our fellow customers, it seemed that no one else had gotten the memo about etiquette for shopping in crowded dollar stores. It didn't get any better at Zeller's (Canada's answer to Target...their lame answer...) or Michael's--I was standing in front of a mesh rack looking at some small thing and this woman, again with a huge butt, walks right in front of me, stands there, oblivious. I wanted to hit her in the head with one of the plastic champagne flutes on the wedding display behind me.

Yeah, so I have a mean streak. But I wouldn't if people paid each other the same consideration that I grant to total strangers when I walk out the door. (Exception: I am a holy terror when I'm driving. In this neighborhood, you have to be. These people are freakin' IDIOTS who know little beyond the gas pedal is on the right, brake is in the middle. And don't get me started on the turnaround at the elementary school. Yesterday, it was a Dodge. Today, it was a Hummer. Your kids have legs--they can walk--which means you pull all the way to the end, not stop at the very earliest spot on the turnaround and block the driveway for the rest of us so your precious princess can climb out and not soil her Keds in the puddles. And you, in the Dodge, please--for the love of Christ almighty--can you PLEASE pull down the street to text your ugly friends about coffee? Please? I'm asking nicely. No, really, this is nice for me.)

I told you not to get me started on the look what you've done. I've lost my train of thought. (Lucky for you.)

Bottom line: When you leave your house, whether it's to go to your shrink, get your Botox, have your tummy tucked, buy your children food, pick up crickets for the chameleon, meet your lover for an illicit affair in the parking lot of Tim Horton's (I've SEEN this!), buy yourself a case of beer, WHATEVER--please, be courteous of the people around you. Don't flip anyone off in traffic, don't fart and then walk away in the cereal aisle at Safeway, don't take up the entire aisle directly in front of me, especially if your ass is the size of Rhode Island. Let's remember that little thing our first grade teachers taught us (thank you, Mrs. Ripper!): "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." I hear that little rule has interesting applications in the bedroom, too, but I'm so not going there.

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