Gumball #8: Toilet Water Is Not for Drinking

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #8:

No-brainer, right? Suuuuuure, it is. Mmmmm, Comet!

Xs and Os ...

Gumball #7: Staring Could Be Hazardous to Your Health

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #7:

Hey, Bug ... This one's for you.

RIP.

Love,

Aboo

Xs and Os ...

Gumball #6: Hold the Olives

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #6:

Tee many martoonis ... *ouch*

Now everyone go wish Yaunna a happy 19th birthday, and remind her to NOT drink too many martinis tonight, considering the drinking age in Canada is 19, and she's now old enough to follow in a longstanding family tradition of becoming a drunk.

Mommy's little lush.

Happy birthday, House Elf!

Xs and Os ...

Gumball #5: Trust Your Tampon. Period.

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #5:

And always, always bring a long coat or sweater, even in August.

Xs and Os ...

Gumball #4: Miss Know-It-All Doesn't Know Much

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #4:

I've never been much of a green thumb.

Xs and Os ...

Gumball #3: On Vasectomies -- Not Mine, Of Course

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #3:

You guys would love to hear this story, wouldn't you?
I think I'd have to get a waiver signed first.

Xs and Os ...

Gumball #2: Driving Miss Potty Mouth

Magical Gumball of Irradiant Genius #2:

Hey, watch it, Judgey McJudgerson. 

I live in an area densely populated with people who cannot drive.
AND that kid who shouted that at me is now the best speller in his class. For all the words, not just the bad ones. 

Xs and Os ...

Introducing Magical Gumballs of Irradiant Genius ... After the Jump

Lovelies! How are you? Tell me what's new. Tell me what you're reading. I recently finished the first two books of Kenneth Oppel's fantastic series based on the life of Victor Frankenstein -- book one is This Dark Endeavor, and the second is Such Wicked Intent. 

http://www.kennethoppel.ca/

To be honest, I liked the second book even better than the first, which is quite a testament to Oppel's skill as a master craftsman of the Word Game. I wanna be him when I grow up. (Although, I do believe we're either the same age or I might be older. Maybe. *checks Wikipedia* Oh, wait, nope, he's four years older than I am. Still, I bow to his awesome.) For fun, I read some Janet Evanovich -- #18 in the Stephanie Plum series. Although Evanovich's books in this series are pretty much the same thing over and over, she really is a funny, funny lady, and she's a great plotter. She weaves some tight braids for her characters, which is tough to do. Try it. I dare you. See? Hard, huh? Witty banter, outrageous characters, and good plotting? There's a reason she makes $16 million a year. 

I'm currently re-reading Daughter of Smoke and Bone because ... drum roll, please ... the sequel is out TODAY! Some of you have been awaiting November 6 to vote, others for the release of Halo 4. But YOU GUYS -- Laini Taylor is an effing FANTASTIC word handler, and with Karou, she has created one of the most dynamic, compelling characters I've had the pleasure to read in years. Check out LitStack's review of Days of Blood and Starlight and get thee to a bookery!

Omigod, you guys, the election. It's almost OVER. Even though I'm in western Canada, we get all the Seattle news feeds, CNN, etc.*, plus the Canadian news channels, who are all over what's going on south of the 49th. Why? Because what you guys decide affects us all. We really are a global community. The outcome of today's election will not occur in a vacuum. (But if it could be a vacuum, I'd recommend a Dyson. Those seem to be so lovely!) I am under strict orders from my therapist to not talk openly about politics or religion because I get a little ... frenzied ... SO, I have been relegated to shouting at the TV and storming around the living room, raving about the condition of our current world and the fact that we STILL do not have a Trader Joe's in Vancouver. SUCKS. I'm telling you ...

(*We, however, do NOT get Fox News with our enhanced cable. Granted, we don't have the Extended Magical Cable Package of Awesome, because it's a billion dollars a month, but I think I can say, with confidence, that folks here ... we just don't understand Fox News.)

Shout-out to the peeps on the East Coast. I get super worried when bad storms happen to good cities, and I have friends in NYC and Toronto who I've been emailing and keeping tabs on. If I could get on a plane and come help, I would. Alas, my passport is still expired. YES, I will get on that. As soon as I get my roots done. Because I don't want my passport picture to show all my gray hair. I'm not ready for gray hair. And this is so tacky that I'm worried about my gray hair when people are HOMELESS. My lack of sensitivity and total ignorance in the face of overwhelming tragedy is not lost on me. I am so sorry. *hangs head*

Say Happy 14th Birthday to this rare specimen:

Since our last chat, Kovu had a birthday. In cat years, he's 84. And he's starting to show his age a little. He complains about the food and has taken to pissing outside the box. Oh, and he refuses to wear his glasses and says I should buy him larger-print books because "that print is so damned small, only an elf could read it." Yay for 84.

So, because I'm a busy duck, as we all are, and I am often at a loss as to what to talk to you guys about that won't bore the shit out of you -- some writers blog about ...

• Their writing process: I rarely do this because I'm superstitious and because the only people who care about writers and their weird habits are other writers ... seriously ... let's be honest. And, I'm sorry to admit, one of my biggest pet peeves is word counts. I don't care how many words you wrote today. Tell me when your words don't suck and I'll care.

• Loads of great advice: I only make feeble attempts at advice-giving when struck by a bolt of inspiration or when I'm super annoyed because people just do NOT understand how to use the semicolon. You guys -- come on -- it's like a super comma. Put complete, independent clauses on each side of the semicolon, and you're golden: He complained about the soup; arsenic remedied him of such worries.

• About book reviews: I do this only very occasionally for LitStack. Book reviews exhaust me. I'm not kidding. Like, I have to nap for three or more hours after I write a book review. They make me super sleepy and take away all my energy bars. It's really weird.

• Other writers: I will never be mean to another writer on this blog, even if I DO walk into the local bookstore and make grand, sweeping gestures and announce rather obnoxiously, "If you guys really were into selling solid fiction, you would take up arms and set THIS display alight. Now. Here -- use this handy kerosene and lighter I brought with me."

• Rip on the Amazon vs. Traditional/Big 6 Revolution: Yawn. Both have their place. Color me Switzerland.

However, we need something we can USE here, right? Like, important life lessons. I've lived four decades, and I've learned some shit during that time. Maybe if I share a few nuggets of wisdom, you can avoid the pitfalls of stupid. Unlike me. I've done a lot of stupid. Oh, God, so much stupid ... 

SO, I bring you a new segment, called Magical Gumballs of Irradiant Genius, from which you can learn many important things about how to live your life. 

Here's the best part: I want to hear from you as well. If you want to send in your most amazing life-lived-and-learned lessons, email me and I might grant you entry into the Hall of Bubbles and Wisdom by posting your story for the world to see. One caveat: Don't be too serious. Let's make giggles out of tears. Best that we stick together in this sugary mess. Remember: Tragedy is comedy. (Or is it, Comedy is tragedy? Whatever. Either way, let's laugh. It's either that or cry, and I just put my mascara on for the day.)

Today's Magical Gumball:

Xs and Os, lovelies ...

In Which I Go On Ad Nauseam About Books. And Life.

I should've updated weeks ago, after posting the picture of that luscious apple from our tree. That was one of three juicy multicolored globes we were able to salvage. (And with its leaf? So pretty!) The rest were ravaged by crows and worms and bugs. YES, I raked up the dead ones so you don't have to call the bylaw officer and send him to my house because there are no dead apples to attract bears. SHEESH. Relax.

Hmmm ... what's happened in the interim?

• We went for 2.5 months with 8 mm of rain (0.31 inches, Yankees). A RECORD for this area. It was lovely.
• Soccer season has started. Not for me. I'm just the chauffeur. Four days a week of sweat and smelly. But Bend-It-Like-Brennan is a killer player, and I loves him because he is squishy and he's not embarrassed to give his mom a smooch in public, even though he's almost 11. OMIGOD I LOVE THAT KID. You should see the note he wrote me the other night when I was having a Temporary Loss of Confidence and Will. (They handed me an Oreo and stepped away quietly. All was set right with the world.)
• Canadian Thanksgiving has passed. It was delicious, thanks.
• I finally succumbed and put on the yoga pants I bought in March (yoga pants are a big deal in this part of the world -- which is why Vancouver was voted Worst Dressed City in North America). MOST COMFORTABLE PANTS EVER. I wore them NOT to do yoga (HA! Me? Exercise? Are you feverish?) for 12 minutes and managed to get a dollop of mayonnaise on the knee whilst cleaning the fridge. I am now back to wearing jeans.
• I wrote a whole bunch of words I cannot wait to share with you.
• I had a birthday. Yay. I'm a year older. *sigh* Oh, wait -- YAY! I'm a year older! Which means I'm not dead yet. This is good. AND I got kisses from these handsome blokes:

• We started watching Game of Thrones. Why did I wait so long? Joffrey is SUCH an insufferable prick! And omigod, Sean Bean ... why, Eddard Stark, whyyyyyy?
• And ... I went to the bookstore. Several times. See below.

I buy books like some people buy shoes. Or jewelry. Or Star Wars figures for their personal collections that family members rib them about. I allow myself the luxury of buying real, live books (despite the fact that I also own e-readers that simply collect dust and run out of battery power on the forgotten corners of my desk) like some women go to the nail salon or get their hair done. To permit this expense, I trim my own nails, ignore the overgrown cuticles (until they ache and turn into hangnails). I find nail polish uncomfortable, as if my fingers cannot breathe or are somehow heavier. And I let the shelves at Walmart, the ones that hold L'Oreal in every shade and hue, color my grays every eight weeks or so. I sacrifice new pants, instead wearing one of the same five pairs of well-worn Old Navy men's jeans, topped with one of the ten new long-sleeved T-shirts I buy myself every year on my birthday (again, Old Navy, with some occasional H&M splurges thrown in for good measure). A scarf, heavy sweater, and fake Uggs from Costco finish this imperfect look. But it's enough that I can leave the house clean and not get arrested for going out of doors nekked.

Books are important to me. But do you have any idea how hard it is to find decent bookshelves? The fourteen already in the house are bursting to capacity. The boys need new shelves -- their tastes are changing, and it is reflected in their book collections. My desk has taken on the feeling that it is an oasis amongst the stacks, like my own dry patch of paved, uneven sidewalk among high-rises constructed from books, precariously stacked atop one another. Don't sneeze or move too quickly; the buildings will fall. If we have an earthquake, be sure to look under the books for my crumpled form. It is my hope that their bindings and thick insides will cushion the fall of the ceiling onto my beleaguered head.

This high-rise is tilted. It sort of spilled. OH, and there isn't really a
child being held hostage behind the stack. I promise. Peekaboo! I see you!
Oh, and I drank that wine. It was delicious.

A friend recently commented that she doesn't have means to buy books new (which is an untruth), so she waits until she finds a decent used bookstore. Those, however, are far and few between these days. I posit that everyone has money to buy books -- it means no extended trips out of the state or country, no dinners out, no trips to the spa for pampering and primping. My children ask for many things -- Legos that will only come apart and get lost under my feet (owie), new video games that they will master in six-point-five hours, magic kits to which they will lose the wands and rubber balls and trick cards within days -- and often I say, "No, you don't need another one." But the second they ask for a new book, it's a race to get my shoes on and find the keys in the chaos of the aforementioned literary jungle. Even in a blizzard, I can find my way to the bookstore. 

Someone else once said to me that if I bought fewer books, I'd be able to buy a house instead. In this neighborhood? Are you insane? Even if I returned every book I've ever purchased in the whole of my life, I wouldn't have nearly enough pennies for the 20 percent down payment on the bargain-basement $600,000, 40-year-old pieces-o-shit in these suburbs of Vancouver. Have you checked lately? Most expensive housing market in Canada. Right here, folks. Right friggin' here. So that argument, I smile, laugh, and then smile again. Tell me that story again while we sip coffee and peruse the stacks.

And, no, I cannot go to the library. It's not a cost-effective method for me to get books. I end up owing more in late fines than the book is worth. THAT, and the fact that dozens of people have TOUCHED the books before me. Curled up with them in their beds. Picked at scabs on their faces or chewed on their nails or sneezed on the pages or or or ... If you could wring out a book's pages -- or worse, send it for forensic analysis -- I shudder at what they would find lurking on those oft-turned pages. *shudder*

But my books pay for themselves. I read them, I become a better writer, ergo I write better books. (See how that works?) If you're a writer, and you don't read, lean forward whilst I slip this Cone of Shame around your neck. (It's itchy.) If you're a writer who doesn't read, we THE READERS can tell. Worse, if you're a writer who lies about reading just so you can look cool at conferences and in your writers' group (reading the summaries and reviews of popular books on Goodreads does not mean you've read the damn book) -- once again, we can tell. If your writing sucks, you probably haven't read enough books. Or, if your writing sucks, maybe it's because you were meant to be an opera singer or an embalmer. Maybe you're in the wrong line of work. But what do I know ... the writing ranks these days are stuffed full of people with less skill than a blind, three-legged gopher on leftover prescription meds spilled from a neighborhood garbage bin, and those folks are making SERIOUS bank. Jealous much, Jenn? (Think how my therapist feels having to listen to me wax on about this. Every. Other. Week.)

But this is not a prescriptive blog. I'm not going to tell you how to improve your writing skills. There are plenty of folks far more qualified than I to do that. Some of them even have blind, three-legged gophers as pets.

Nah, instead, I will share with you the reading lists I'm working on, and maybe, just maybe, one of you will tell me what YOU are reading too. I am always looking for an excuse to go to the bookstore.

AND: for the BEST BOOK BLOG EVER, where she actually READS and REVIEWS the books (instead of where I just make long lists and pet the shiny covers), go see Raych at BOOKS I DONE READ. She's my idol.

Recent acquisitions -- and NO, I didn't buy all of these, for those of you concerned about my addictive personality and fiscal health. Some were given to me as gifts, others loaned by clean-handed friends, a few purchased. (If you follow me on Facebook under the Jennifer Sommersby page, you will have seen a semblance of this list before. Not everyone loves FB, though, so we should share accordingly.)

Every Day -- David Levithan

This Dark Endeavour (yes, Canadian spelling) -- Kenneth Oppel (LOVING IT. ALMOST DONE!)

Will Grayson Will Grayson -- David Levithan and John Green

Ape House -- Sara Gruen

Power of the Dog -- Don Winslow

The Winter of Frankie Machine -- Don Winslow

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo -- Stieg Larsson

City of Bones -- Cassandra Clare

City of Ashes -- Cassandra Clare

A Casual Vacancy -- JK Rowling

The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making -- Catherynne M. Valente

Son -- Lois Lowry (just ordered this one for my lads)

The Twelve -- Justin Cronin (!!!!)

Rage Within -- Jeyn Roberts (even got a signed copy to match the signed copy of its predecessor, Dark Inside)

Keeper of the Lost Cities -- Shannon Messenger (great middle grade title!)

Creepy. AND set in Vancouver! Sweet!

Books on the WANT List:

Gone Girl  -- Gillian Flynn

Insatiable -- Meg Cabot

11-22-63 -- Stephen King

The Diviners  -- Libba Bray

Bright's Light -- Susan Juby

The Weird Sisters -- Eleanor Brown

The Edge of Nowhere  -- Elizabeth George

Shadow and Bone  -- Leigh Bardugo (I keep hearing amazing things about this one ...)

Code Name Verity -- Elizabeth Wein (another I'm hearing rave reviews about)

Everything by Kristin Cashore (Graceling, Fire, and Bitterblue)

Now that fall has finally settled upon the Great Western North (we don't get a lot of white so I'm officially renaming our geographic locale), I'm looking forward to hunkering down and locking myself in the house while the rain does its best to destroy what remains of the roof's shingles. Ba ha ha ha ... who am I kidding ... I never leave the house, anyway. OH, except to go to the ... well, you know.

I wish my Old Navy men's jeans weren't so tight. I need donuts.

Oh, and here's a cat. Eskimo, the world's laziest writer's assistant. Yeah, he was supposed to be reading my latest pages. He instead chewed the edges. WAIT -- maybe he didn't like it. Maybe the tension was off or the character's motivations were muddled. Omigod, I didn't even think about that. He was trying to tell me by hiding the pages and ingesting the paper. Shit. 

Xs and Os, lovelies ... 

It's the Most Wonderful Time. Of. The. Year.

In honor of the return to the hallowed halls of educational institutions continent wide ... I give you this: a homegrown apple. From our tree.

Happy Return to School for the Children.

Happy Return to Sanity for Those of Us Charged with Their Care.

Will chat more soon. First, I HAVE TO DANCE NEKKED THROUGH THE HOUSE AND SING LOUDLY AND LISTEN TO THE MUSIC I LIKE AND OMIGOD THEY'RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!

Ahem.

Talk to you soon. 

Xs and Os, lovies.