I'm Talking About Batman. I Know Not Why.

Any Batman fans out there? Who's anxiously awaiting the release of Dark Knight Rises?

I kind of am, I have to admit. That makes me a geek, right? Christian Bale's hot, though. Like, smokin'. And I had a dream a few months ago that I would be allowed to marry another husband, but ONLY if he's got the same name as my current husband, so I chose Gary Oldman, simply because I adore him, as well, AND he's Sirius Black (in the Harry Potter films for the uninitiated). In the dream, Husband #2, Mr. Oldman, was charming and very polite. Excited to meet my kids and Husband #1. Nothing kinky happened (bummer) but we did have a beer. That was nice. I do like beer now and again.

Brother husband. Yeah, right. Have you seen his WIFE? She's breathtaking.

Thing is, Husband #1 doesn't giggle so much when I tell him his Brother Husband is delightful. He sort of snorts and looks at me like I'm not quite right. (I get that a lot.) HEY, if that creepy blond dude from Utah can have sister wives -- wives, as in plural -- what's wrong with me wanting to have brother husbands? (No matter how you look at it. It's gross. One man. Four vajayjays. COOTIES!!!!!!)

Oh, and don't tell Mark Strong about Gary Oldman. I don't want him to get jealous or anything. *sigh* Le problems.

So back to Batman: who doesn't love Michael Caine? (Is he a sir yet? He should be.) Hans Zimmer, of course, is back behind the composer's podium -- DUDE IS A GENIUS AND I AM A SOUNDTRACK WHORE -- and Christopher Nolan has pulled out all the stops for this go-round with the rubber-suited protector of All the People. There's a great 13-minute featurette on YouTube HERE (11,000 extras at the Steelers stadium for the Gotham Rogues football scene? EPIC!). You're welcome. 

It does make my heart hurt a little to watch The Dark Knight because I am a huge Heath Ledger fan and he was so fantastic as the Joker. No, really, I feel pain. Chest pain. I think of his darling daughter Matilda and GOD HE WAS SO TALENTED and when I see Maggie Gyllenhaal's turn as Rachel Dawes, I can't help but wonder if her adorable brother Jakey (teamed up -- literally -- with Ledger in Brokeback Mountain, in case you forgot) visited and Jake and Heath had some raucous laughs between takes and it just sucks. Young people shouldn't die. It's not right.

The only thing -- Bale's throaty interpretation of Batman's voice makes me giggle every time I hear it (although I finally did get around to watching Terminator Salvation and he growled his way through that, too, so maybe that's just the thing that makes him so incendiary, despite the fact that TS sucked -- really? A digital Arnold Schwarzzenwhatever? Spare me. But OMG, Sam Worthington, how I adore thee. Hims adorable. Those eyes. He just looks like the sweetest child. He can do the dumbest films and I will still like him. I'll even forgive him for Clash of the Titans. Harry Hamlin forever!). Come on, right? Bale does sound sorta funny. "It's not a car." Really, Batman? You're growling again.

THE POINT HERE (yes, I'm nothing if not circuitous): The Batman trailer running every twelve minutes on network TV, the one with Catwoman/Selina Kyle, aka Anne Hathaway, hiding behind her masquerade decor, whispering in Bruce Wayne's ear?

She sounds like she's starving.

Hathaway reportedly has been shedding pounds in the last little while for this role and for her turn as Fantine in the upcoming cinematic reboot of Les Miserables (although the 1998 version with Liam Neeson, Claire Danes, Geoffrey Rush, and Uma Thurman was grand). Whenever I see the ad with Hathaway, and I hear her whispering, all I can think is:

SOMEONE GET THAT GIRL A CHEESEBURGER.

Here. Cheeseburger. Eat.

She's hungry. Can't you hear it? She's so WEAK from hunger, she can hardly speak! Seriously! I think she's going for sexy, but it ain't working -- it comes off as timid and lethargic and anemic. It screams to me, I haven't had a meal of more than a pea pod and some teardrops in weeks. Someone help me.

Hollywood, stop depriving your starlets of food! Anne, darling, that's what craft services is for. AT LEAST go get some Red Vines. They're free! No, really! Craft services is part of the film's budget! Come on, Anne, come to my house. We'll get some burgers, chocolate milkshakes, and cake, just so you don't disintegrate into dusty particles and float away while waiting for your next film to release. I'll go ahead and have some of those things for you, because I'm nice that way. Nom nom nom. That bite was for YOU, Anne Hathaway.

Enough about Batman. Although if you guys get to see it when it opens, leave a comment and tell me how epic it is. It will likely be weeks before I'm allowed out of my own Bat Cave to go to the ci-ne-ma. *sad face*

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